The Story

(In response to a bullied girl)

When I was in elementary school, all the boys would play soccer during recess. Most of the time, I was not allowed to play on account of me “not being good enough”. On top of this whenever something would go missing or break, I was the scapegoat. Every day until 3rd grade, the teacher would walk me to my car and tell my mother how bad I was. As a result of the cruelty of others, I found myself being a bully during 4th grade. A boy whom I befriended a year prior began acting different. For some reason, we started calling him “gay”, however I’m not quite sure we knew the true meaning of that label.

In short time, I became this boy’s main bully. It was truly cathartic knowing that I possessed power over another. Nonetheless as soon as I became a bully, I swiftly returned to being a victim. At the start of 5th grade, a “friend” began referring to me as a “child molester”. Long story short, I ate lunch alone for 2yrs (5th-6th grade). Girls disliked me so much that they used to tell me that I was the only boy that they did not like in the entire grade and that I no girl would ever date me. For the longest time, I harbored an abnormal hatred of women. All the while, absolutely no one knew that I was suffering so much.

Come middle school, I resolved that no one would bully me again. I started lifting weights and adopted a mantra that: “If anyone ever tries to bully me again, I’ll beat the —— out of them”. Alas, my efforts to physically strengthen myself could not remedy my emotional weaknesses. Although my old bullies came to their senses and apologized (except for 1), I could not escape the wrath of others. My new best friend spread a rumor about me that I liked to watch men abusing their wives online. No one ever said anything to me, yet I could feel their unwarranted judgments.

Being the fool that I was, I remained friends with this boy until recent. Amidst my first two years of high school, this boy influenced me to become a bully once more. I found that I became quite popular with other guys by making fun of the appearance and physical ability of the girls rowing team. It seemed all so right to me because I had more of what I called friends than ever. In theory, I was also taking revenge on the girls on account of girls’ hurtful words towards me during elementary school. Again, I mislead myself.

During my sophomore year, my “friends” turned on me once more. They spread rumors that I was a Satanist because I was listening to metal at that time. Also, the entire men’s rowing team laughed at me when I expressed my wish to become team captain.

   Amidst my brush with bullying, the boy whom I bullied has become a good friend and my one bully from elementary school who never apologized was himself bullied out of school. I have experienced one major bout of depression and thrice made attempts to take my own life. For most of my life, I have stayed within the confines of my room because I have been too afraid to walk outside and be bullied again. For a long time, I thought that humans were all disgusting. For 6 years, I studied psychology on my own so that I my judge others and guard myself from bullies. To my disappointment, no amount of study in any discipline can suffice for real thought and experience. All this studying did was make me a cynic.

Going into my senior year, I now realize how stupid l have been. What I am about to say will sound crazy. It is not the bullies that make us feel bad but rather ourselves. We are our own worst enemies. No one makes us feel sad when others bully us but ourselves. They cannot tell us to cry when we are sad or eat when we are hungry: we are in control of our own thoughts and actions. It has taken me almost 18 years to realize this. Once I stopped letting the bullies get to me, I began to accept and love myself. It does not matter what others say about us. All that matters is that we are happy just the way we are. In addition, I have realized that me being bullied was not a bad thing. From my bullying, I have become strong. Strong in the sense that I believe I have become independent, self-accepting, and able to stick up for those who cannot.

Rather than still believing that all people are evil and motivated by self-interest, I have discovered what I like to call the truth. In this world, there are few good people. Society has bred a race of insecure and apathetic people. Nevertheless, there are good people and there are bad people. It is our job to find and befriend those good people. Along the way, we may fall but we must always pick ourselves up because we are born with the right to live and be happy.

In response to your story, I say be yourself and be happy with yourself. You do not deserve to be bullied, no one does. You were born to live, not to suffer. You are worthy of happiness. God never gives us more than we can handle, so just stay strong for a little bit longer. As soon as you graduate, nothing that happened before college will matter because to you will have a new chapter in life to start and a new you to define. Stay strong. If you ever need someone talk to, I am here.